BCI NET 2/BCI NET 2.iso/archives/textfiles/jokes3.lha/jokes_3/Things_We_Say_4

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                                 From the
                         JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.



It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
*
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
*
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
*
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
*
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
*
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
*
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
*
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
*
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
*
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
*
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
*
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
*
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
*
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
*
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
*
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
*
*
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
*
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
*
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
*
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
*
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
*
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
*
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
*
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
*
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*
                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
*
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
*
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
*
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
*
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
*
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
*
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
*
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
*
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
*
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
*
Flon's Law:
        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
*
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
*
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
*
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
*
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
*
"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
*
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
*
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
*
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
*
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
*
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
*
SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
*
POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
that were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
'logy' ("study of").  It meant  "the study of things that are hard to
swallow."
*
                Another Glitch in the Call
                ------- ------ -- --- ----
        (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
*
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
*
        Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
*
Chorus:
        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
*
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
*
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
*
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
*
Bumper sticker:
*
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
*
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea...
*
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point B are so keen to get THERE.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
*
Serocki's Stricture:
        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.

Virtue is its own punishment.
*
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
*
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
*
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
*
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
*
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
*
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
*
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
*
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
*
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
*
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
*
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
*
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
*
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
*
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
*
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
*
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
*
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
*
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
*
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
*
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
*
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
*
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
*
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
*
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
*
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
*
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
*
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
*
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
*
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
*
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects...
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
*
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
        "If what?" asked the composer.
        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
*
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
*
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
*
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
*
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
*
"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
*
Leibowitz's Rule:
        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
        hold the hammer with both hands.
*
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
        of your eyes.
*
Langsam's Laws:
        1) Everything depends.
        2) Nothing is always.
        3) Everything is sometimes.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
        distributed.
Meader's Law:
        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
        everyone you know, only more so.
*
Fourth Law of Revision:
        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        you.
*
Sodd's Second Law:
        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
        bound to occur.
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
Rule of Defactualization:
        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        question back at him.
*
Anthony's Law of Force:
        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Ray's Rule of Precision:
        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
Rule of Creative Research:
        1) Never draw what you can copy.
        2) Never copy what you can trace.
        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
*
Barach's Rule:
        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        physician.
*
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
*
        Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
*
I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
*
        Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
*
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
"One planet is all you get."
*
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
*
Air is water with holes in it
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
*
The Roman Rule
        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        one who is doing it.
Lackland's Laws:
        1.  Never be first.
        2.  Never be last.
        3.  Never volunteer for anything
*
Tussman's Law:
        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Oliver's Law:
        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        it.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        held to discuss it.
Baruch's Observation:
        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        corner of the workshop.
*
Corollary:
        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        your toes.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        will pick the wrong one.
*
Corollary:
        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        wrong, anyway.
Grelb's Reminder:
        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        average drivers.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*
Rule of the Great:
        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
*
Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
*
Goldenstern's Rules:
        1.  Always hire a rich attorney
        2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        Murphy was an optimist.
*
QUOTE by Adrian Collins, in collaboration with David Tonge, is a user
supported program.  If you've got any good quotes, jokes, or proverbs,
or monetary contributions (Well, worth a try - not really), send them
to:
        Adrian Collins
        70 Broad Oak Lane
        Didsbury
        Manchester M20 0GG
        England
*
Telephone: [phone]   Email (Janet): [e-mail].p4
*
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
*
One more drink and I'll be under the host.
*
Pubs make you as drunk as they can as soon as they can, and turn nasty when
they succeed.
*
The trouble with the world is that everybody in it is three drinks behind.
*
I drink to make other people interesting.
*
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
*
A man is never drunk if he can lie on the floor without holding on.
*
Maybe alcohol picks you up a little bit, but it sure lets you down in
a hurry.
*
My dad was the town drunk.  A lot of times that's not so bad -
but New York City?
*
I'm delighted.  The uglier we are the better we get.
*
Well, I suppose one regards it as an optional extra.
*
The President isn't going on vacation.  He's going on holiday.
*
What I want for the 1990's is to see demilitarisation of Europe and the
survival of Salman Rushdie to a ripe old age.
*
May our nation continue to be a beaken (sic) of hope to the world...
*
Treat every woman as if you have slept with her and you soon will.
*
Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.
*
Make love to every woman you meet; if you get 5 per cent on your outlay,
it's a good investment.
*
Phrase suggested for increasing feminine fervour:
"You are an A.I. tumble-bun."
*
Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily I love you'
on the back of the bill.
*
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait
to disprove it.
*
Never become involved with someone who can make you lose stature if the
relation becomes known...sleep UP.
*
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to
put on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her
on a pedestal the better to view her legs.
*
The girl in the omnibus has one of those faces of marvellous beauty which
are seen casually in the streets but never among one's friends.  Where do
these women come from?  Who marries them?  Who knows them?
*
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.  My sin, my soul.
*
The great and terrible step was taken.  What else could you expect from so
expectant?  'Sex,' said Frank Harris, 'is the gateway to life.'  So I went
through the gatewat in an upper room in the Cafe Royal.
*
If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl,
always give her the benefit of the doubt.
*
Man are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
*
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
*
An inexperienced female kisser:
Where do the noses go?  I always wondered where the noses would go?
*
On kissing Margaret Thatcher:
We have, of course, often done it before, but never on a pavement outside a
hotel in Eastbourne.  We have done it in various rooms in one way or another
at various functions.  It is perfectly genuine - and normal and right - so
to do.
*
How can a bishop marry?  How can he flirt?  The most he can say is:
"I will see you in the vestry after the service."
*
These sort of boobies think that people come to balls to do nothing but
dance; whereas everyone knows that the real business of a ball is either
to look out for a wife, to look after a wife, or to look after someone
else's wife.
*
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
*
Anonymous message between lovers: N.O.R.W.I.C.H.
translation: (K)Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home.
*
Two people kissing always look like fish.
*
Why don't you come up some time and see me?
*
I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start
without me.
*
About to exchange her fur wrap for a dressing gown:
Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
*
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
*
Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, because failures tend to occur at
the extreme ends of the scale ... We should package them in different sizes
and maybe label them like olives - jumbo, colossal and supercolossal - so
that men don't have to go in and ask for the small.
*
When a young man said he was six feet seven inches:
Never mind the six feet.  Let's talk about the seven inches.
*
In the wilds:  It's so quiet up here you can hear a mouse get a hard-on.
*
The thing that takes the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is Sex.
*
Sex is all right but it's not as good as the real thing.
*
Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.
*
I'd rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone - any day.
*
Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.
*
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for
money usually costs less.
*
No sex is better than bad sex.
*
Sex is one damp thing after another.
*
Is sex dirty?  Only when it is being done right.
*
Sex is like money - very nice to have but vulgar to talk about.
*
After Sex:  Fun?  That was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
*
Other vice may be nice, but sex won't rot your teeth.
*
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
*
Sex is 90 per cent in the head.
*
The idea of using censors to bar thoughts of sex is dangerous.  A person
without sex thoughts is abnormal.
*
Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy
sometimes results in sex.
*
Morality in sexual relations, when it is free from superstition, consists
essentially of respect for the other person, and unwillingness to use the
person solely as means of personal gratification, without regard to his or
her desires.
*
Lovers don't snore.
*
Sex - the poor man's polo.
*
A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.
*
Sex in marriage is like medicine.  Three times a day for the first week.
Then once a day for another week.  Then once every three or four days until
the condition clears up.
*
I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day;
I never had time for tobacco since.
*
My dad told me, "Anything worth having is worth waiting for."
I waited until I was fifteen.
*
Would you, my dear young friends, like to be inside with the five wise
virgins or outside, alone and in the dark, with the five foolish ones?
*
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
*
If I had no duties, and no reference to futurity, I would spend my life in
driving briskly in a post-chaise with a pretty woman.
*
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young.
Now I have successes with women because I am old.  Middle age was the
hardest part.
*
He had heard that one is permitted a certain latitude with widows,
and went in for the whole 180 degrees.
*
I consider a day in which I make love only once virtually wasted.
*
I like naked ladies - one at a time, in private.
*
Advice to his son on sex:
The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous,
and the expense damnable.
*
I am that twentieth-century failure: a happy, undersexed, celibate.
*
Lord give me chastity - but not yet.
*
Chastity is its own punishment.
*
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
*
Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
*
Virginity is like a balloon - one prick and it's gone.
*
Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.
*
Those who choose matrimony do well, and those who choose virginity or
voluntary abstinence do better.
*
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
*
About the only thing you should be able to say about a Catholic priest
is that his father wasn't one.
*
Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost a muddy
horse-pond.
*
It is better to marry than to burn.
*
A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
*
On having children:
Life is pleasant, but I have no yearning to clutter up the universe after
it is over.
*
When you've got over the disgrace of the single life, it's more airy.
*
Bachelors should be heavily taxed; it is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
*
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
*
Bachelors know more about women than married men.  If they did not they
would have married too.
*
Honey, I'm single because I was born that way.  I never married, because I
would have had to give up my favourite hobby - men.
*
I'm not going to make the same mistake once.
*
By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent
public temptation.
*
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and
a boy forever.
*
A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting
tied to one.
*
On marriage:
Why buy a book when you can borrow one from the library?
*
There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
*
Prostitues for pleasure, concubines for service, wives for breeding.
('and a melon for ecstacy' is sometimes added...)
*
On the difference between a diplomat and a lady:
When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps.
When he says perhaps he means no.
When he says no, he is not a diplomat.
*
When a lady says no, she means perhaps.
When she says perhaps, she means yes.
But when she says yes, she is no lady.
*
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
*
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain
that he's not the man she married?
*
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
*
As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot.
*
Women were born without a sense of humour - so they could love men and not
laugh at them.
*
When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.
*
Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, they're the kind of
problem I enjoy wrestling with.
*
The more I see of men the less I like them; if I could but say so of women
too, all would be well.
*
God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.
*
No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.
*
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
*
I like the whiskey old and the women young.
*
A woman's place is in the wrong.
*
He that has a white horse, and a fair woman, is never without trouble.
*
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
*
There is no greater fan of the opposite sex,
and I have the bills to prove it.
*
It's the fallen women who are usually picked up.
*
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
*
How do girls get minks?  The same way minks get minks.
*
The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.
*
What most men desire is a virgin who is a whore.
*
Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the
last time.
*
Man are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do.
*
All men are rapists and that's all they are.  They rape us with their eyes,
their laws and their codes.
*
All men are like Arabs.
*
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
*
Women like the simplet things in life - like men.
*
A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
*
We made civilisation to impress our girl friends.
*
If god considered woman a helpmeet for men, He must have had a poor opinion
of men.
*
Love is man's delusion that one woman differs from another - still, man is
better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
*
All men are different, but husbands are all alike.
*
There's simply no other way for a man to feel his manliness, his knigliness
if you will, than to be loved by a beautiful woman.
*
Men who do not make advances to women are apt to become victims to women who
make advances to them.
*
A hard man is good to find.
*
A man with an erection is in no need of advice.
*
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
*
Men who aren't pet-lovers aren't any good in bed.
*
You know more about a man in one night than you do in months of
conversation.  In the sack, they can't cheat.
*
I like him and it in that order.
*
Amor Vincit Omnia (Love conquers all)
*
When asked if he was in love on getting engaged to Lady Diana Spencer:
Yes - whatever 'in love' means.
*
If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question.
*
Any time that is not spent on love is wasted.
*
When people say, "You're breaking my heart", they do in fact usually mean
that you're breaking their genitals.
*
Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common
therewith.
*
The Art of Love:
Knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion
of an anemone.
*
Love is being stupid together.
*
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
*
Love means not ever having to say you're sorry.
*
Nothing is better for the spirit or body than a love affair.  It elevates
thoughts and flattens stomachs.
*
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
*
I have fallen in love with all sorts of girls and I fully intend to go on
doing so.
*
I went out bicycling one afternoon, and suddenly, as I was riding along a
country road, I realised that I no longer loved Alys.
*
With the few words I wanted to assure that I love you and if you had been a
woman I would have concidered marrying you, although your head is full of
grey hairs, but as you are a man that possibility doesn't arise.
*
Love is so much better when you are not married.
*
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
*
A lover has all the good points and all the bad points which are locking
in a husband.
*
The less we love a women, the more we are loved by her.
*
There is a codeword which opens safes - it is LOVE.
*
Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.
*
I was in love once when I was young.  But then I became attached to the
Bureau.
*
You can always get someone to love you -
even if you have to do it yourself.
*
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
*
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
*
To Oscar Levant:
  If you had it all over again, Oscar, would you fall in love with
yourself?
*
When people have loved me I have been embarrassed.
*
The French boys will be naught.  Their minds do chiefly run on the
propagation of their race.
*
Continental people have sex-life; the English have hot-water bottles.
*
Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble.  Women expect an
Oscar performance in bed.
*
For adult women wishing to marry, the best prospects are in Greenland.
*
Everything short of war, President Roosevelt promised the English by way of
help in the dark days of the blitz; in the same way, American girls are
liable to promise their beaux everything short of fornication.
*
Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
*
You just leave those Russians to me, honey.  I'll take 'em all on,
a battalion at a time, and send them back to Omsk with their little
tails between their legs.
*
The Welsh are the only husbands to put their wives on their national flag.
*
What men call gallantry, and gods adultery, is much more common where the
climate's sultry.
*
The mind is an errogenous zone.
*
Were it not for imagination, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as of a duchess.
*
Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you've got and 50 per cent what people think
you've got.
*
The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination forms.
*
Women fall in love through their ears and men through their eyes.
*
Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic; it is triggered
easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine.
*
All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.
It's an aphrodisiac.
*
Hair is another name for sex.
*
Being baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet.
*
Absinthe makes the parts grow stronger.
*
On Caroline of Brunswick's behaviour with the dey (governor) of Algiers:
She was happy as they dey was long.
*
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
*
Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte.
*
There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays,
And - every - single - one - of - them - is - right!
*
Oral sex is a matter of taste.
*
When Edwina Currie held aloft a pair of handcuffs at a Tory Party Conference:
I Admit I felt a bat's squeak of desire.
*
Men like long nails - in old movies couples were always scratching each
other's backs.
*
Dancing is wonderful training for girls; it's the first way you learn to
guess what a man is going to do before he does it.
*
On dancing:  A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
*
You know what comes between me and my Calvins?  Nothing!
*
To the average male there is seemingly nothing so attractive or so
challenging as a reasonably good-looking young mother who is married and
ALONE.
*
In the past a sexy woman was one who lay on a sofa like an odalisque,
smoking a cigarette.  Now she is an athletic woman.
*
Sweaty is sexy.
*
Women never look so well as when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting.
*
Long-legged girls are fascinating - built for walking through grass.
*
High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead.
*
Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes;
men who like women never notice what they wear.
*
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
*
No woman [is] so naked as one you can see to be naked underneath her clothes.
*
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
*
The ends justify the jeans.
*
I knew I would like her when I saw how her backside moved under her red
satin skirt.
*
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
*
The girl had as many curves as a scenic railway.
*
I'm just naturally respectful of pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
*
British boobs are the best in the world.
*
I was the first woman to burn mt bra - it took the fire department four days
to put it out.
*
If I hadn't had them, I would have had some made.
*
I really wish my bust was smaller.
*
Physical love, forbidden as it was twenty or thirty years ago, has now
become boringly obligatory.
*
And so to bed.
*
Don't ever have sex with someone in your office.  Wait until you get home.
*
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
*
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it,
the harder it gets.
*
On the pope and birth control:
He no play-a da game.  He no make-a da rules!
*
The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after,
but instead.
*
I would not like to leave contraception on the long finger too long.
*
Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of quishing noises.  It shows your
mind isn't clicking right.
*
Sex is best in the afternoon after coming out of the shower.
*
A women is a well-served table that one sees with different eyes before and
after the meal.
*
Masterbation is the thinking man's television.
*
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
*
Don't knock masterbation - it's sex with someone you love.
*
Masterbation is great - and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner
afterwards and talk to it about its problems.
*
One thing about masterbation - you meet a better class of person.
*
Young farmer with 100 acres would be pleased to hear from young lady with
tractor.  Please send photograph of tractor.
*
On marriage:  The deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly
of the chaise longue.
*
If we take matrimony at its lowest, We regard it as a sort of friendship
recognised by the police.
*
Courtship is to marriage as a very witty prologue is to a dull play.
*
On her decision to accept the late Duke's marriage proposal:
I decided I had enjoyed myself long enough.
*
Marriage:  It begins with a prince kissing an angel.  It ends with a
baldheaded man looking across the table at a fat women.
*
Marriage:  It begins when you sink into his arms; and ends with your arms
in his sink.
*
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
*
Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the
remaining chapters in prose.
*
Marriage is a covered dish.
*
Marriage may be compared to a cage.  The birds outside despair to get in
and those within despair to get out.
*
Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.
*
I think marriage is a very personal thing.
*
If they only married when they fell in love most people would die unwed.
*
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other never forgets them.
*
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one
woman.
*
My son got his first part, playing a man who's been married for thirty years.
I told him to stick at it and next time he'd get a speaking part.
*
The most happy marriage I can picture... Would be the union of a deaf man to
a blind woman.
*
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost
certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little care in this very
imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates.  But the
real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
*
The best of all possible marriages is a seesaw in which first one then the
other partner is dominant.
*
Getting married is a serious matter for a girl; not getting married is even
more serious.
*
Marrieage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity.
*
To have a women to lye with when one pleases, without running any risk of the
cursed expense of bastards... these are solid views of matrimony.
*
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered
with sexm and all that sort of thing.
*
Every bride has to learn it's not her wedding but her mother's.
*
When an old man marries a young wife, he grows younger - but she grows older.
*
I have always thought that every woman should marry and no man.
*
If you marry you will regret it.  If you do not marry, you will also
regret it.
*
When two divorced people marry, four get into bed.
*
To marry a second time represents the triumph of hope over experience.
*
A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with
themselves.
*
On getting married:
It's like signing a 356-page contract without knowing what's in it.
*
The surest way to be alone is to get married.
*
If you're afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
*
The greatest thing about marriage is that it enables one to be alone without
feeling loneliness.
*
It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is
more difficult to show a ready wit all day long than to say a good thing
occasionally.
*
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
*
I was married once - in San Francisco.  I haven't seen her for many years.
The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof.  Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
*
Marriage:  A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman.
*
Most men fall in love with a pretty face but find themselves bound for life
to a hateful stranger, alternating endlessly between workshop and a witch's
kitchen.
*
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
*
I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.



                                 From the
                         JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.